Lessons Learned... Part Two

Tip Number Two, Be careful with whom you trust your child, even if you have had well placed trust in the individual previously.

This seems so obvious, like something we would all get right.  And yet, when faced with vicious, vindictive folks who have no actual base for the lies they are telling in their gossip, otherwise well meaning people can fall prey to the mob mentality.  Normally nice folks who are generally tireless volunteers and seem to have nothing but every one's best interest at heart, can be sucked into the bizarre vortex of the mob and sweep it along, giving validity to the bully ringleader.

As unkind as the statement may seem, and as much as I have often been accused of being overprotective in an extreme, it is when we let out guard down that the bullies see their chance, and they take it, often with great abandon.  This was certainly true in our case, and looking back, I knew the tide was changing, but didn't want to believe those previously nice folks would be a part of it.

Around here, we have something called "The Wyatt List."  My mother reminds me regularly that the lord doesn't taketh away unless he gives something else in return first.  In our case, our younger child had a rough time with deployments and the endless TDY cycles that are the nature of a military family these days.  For periods of time, sometimes long ones, Wyatt didn't speak.  Then he needed speech therapy and has some processing issues. 

But what Wyatt has in return is this innate ability to see whether adults should be trusted.  Basically anyone other than his age.  The Wyatt List represents a VERY short list of people who he trusts, and often in varying degrees.  Being on the Wyatt list is an honor.(I know, the whole thing sounds odd, but if you qualify for the Wyatt list, you really had to earn it.)  Sometimes he looks at me and says of someone, I really wanted to like her.  She loves animals, but it doesn't feel right.  Funny to watch him.  And he may look at someone at say "I'm shy, I don't want to meet them." 

Imagine my surprise earlier this year when I went to get Wyatt from Bailey at the robotics lab, only to find he was across the hall with her biology teacher walking through the room asked her every question he could think of about her displays.  Shortly thereafter he spent over an hour helping Bailey catch her a tarantula.  This person ended up interceding to help Bailey.  I should have listened more deeply to her, too, though that is another story.

For the first time this year, I saw Wyatt remove people from the Wyatt List.  Previously, the ringleaders of this, and their close friends were never on the list.  He was known to hid under chairs, behind water coolers, whatever to get away from them and not have to speak to them or their children.  When one of the people had been at our home under false pretenses, preparing to drive the largest nail into Bailey, Wyatt had initially tried to help me speak with her, I thought maybe it was going to be okay.  When she left, he said, "That was weird.  What did she really want?"

He had already removed some other folks from the list, ones who he had previously selected and given hugs to.  Looking back, I really wish I had listened to him, and my intuition when their behavior seemed strange.  Maybe I could have somehow protected her, stepped in sooner, or done something to have prevented things from getting quite so bad.  You see, these people were the pillars of the community type.  And yet, even as they said they were not part of what was done, they were spreading the gossip, snubbing our daughter and then asking for hugs from the cuddly sweet girl- very publicly, playing the hurt with her good manners.  And standing back as part of the gossip ring so clearly that would turn their back on her as she walked into a meeting and faced the angry ringleader who said nothing kind. 

And you could read on the ringleader's face and in her strange remarks when she was lying most and gossiping most viciously. And my blind feeling, having gone to those I previously had trusted, allowed them to help the ringleaders to continuously hurt my child more deeply.

So even if you feel that certain people have always been nice in the past, done right by children before, even done special things for your child, don't ignore warning signs that say you should withdraw your trust.  And if you have to withdraw that trust, keep records of what is being done.  But that is the topic of another post, this one is long enough!  So be careful who you trust, and don't blindly continue to trust someone just because you have in the past and other folks continue to do so.  Our parent intuition is there for a reason!