Along the journey of survival for us, we have learned different things from different people. The day I was called by the sheriff, and raced back to the school, spending all that time with the dean, she told me my daughter felt completely alone in facing the bullies at school and in the activities where they had taken root. Knowing your mama is talking you through strategies just isn't always enough. The dean of students had told my girl that she would be willing to be her advocate, to be with her to help talk to teachers where the bullying was rampant in the classroom.
I think the dean meant well, but in the end, when the folks who were so unkind to my daughter pretended to change their ways and said they were looking after her, the dean believed them, and my daughter felt more alone. In the end, the teacher where she had felt safe made sure my daughter had a place she could go. And some very special youth circled around her and let her know she was theirs, no matter what those other people might say about her. It gave her the first safe place to begin to put the pieces back together, and to be reminded that she really did matter, not just those folks who were allowed to belittle and use profanity at others because they were somehow special and had their own set of rules and exceptions.
Not feeling like the person who had offered to act as her advocate was really genuine, made her retreat into the circle of the few places she felt safe. That made it take longer for her to stand up and fight for herself and claim her place where intellectually she knew she had a right to, but where other people had been able to use and abuse her.
Recently, we went in to meet with someone about her scheduling for school. I was perfectly honest, that I had given the year over to survival and getting her feet back under her. I wasn't happy with having to do so, but so many of the people, both in leadership at the extracurricular where it all had began and at the school where things had spilled into, had been too busy to follow through with things that while they would have made more work for my daughter and myself, would have given her a chance to be safe and still excel.
As we sat speaking with this nice woman who had been the only one trying to follow through, she apologized for how so many had dropped the ball and let the behaviors perpetuate. She had had her own child go through bullying, and understood my feeling that while my child needed to be held academically accountable for what she had done when she shut down, the classroom should be a safe place.
I am well aware that life isn't fair. We have lived that reality for some time. But what we need is a chance for her to work at getting her feet back under her, where she can be safe and work for what she wants. The woman we met with agreed with us. She helped advocate for my daughter to take placement exams to qualify for a different academic track with more advanced science courses. (She had a greater background in some science classes due to some outside experience). While my daughter would still see those youth, and their parents, and those people will likely continue to spread the rumors and lies, she won't have their games at every turn, or the oppressive interruptions to her academic day. While we cannot change the world, we can make a corner of it happier and safer while she works to put the pieces back together and have steady ground to stand on.
So while no one can snap their fingers and fix the injustice, and no one deserves to have their lives hijacked by the self-important unkindness of others, finding an advocate- one that is truly an advocate- can help you to survive and begin to put the pieces back together. The first one to present them self isn't always the right one, but keep trying. The future is worth it.
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