Update...

Hi there.  A little over a week ago, my daughter and I went to a meeting of the Anti-Bulling Task Force in our town.  It is one arm of the Fund for Civility and Understanding, created as a positive community based response to the Giffords shooting of January 8th, two years ago.  The home school person from the county superintendent's office, had mentioned it to me as something empowering, since my daughter is resisting trusting a counselor.

There are presentation at each monthly meeting, form folks doing community work, like helping adult leaders learn about recognizing and stopping bullying.  We learned that conflict resolution, for things like bullying, generally doesn't work.  Why not?  Because in bullying, there is no conflict.  Bullying is about power, and exerting power over others for personal gain.  So there isn't a true conflict to resolve, and conflict resolution only enables the bully and traps the victim into being "nice" yet again to someone continuing to hurt them.

At this particular meeting, there was a man from a group who does free education in sexual harassment.  He was discussing that this, too, isn't about sex, but about power.  It is abuse, plain and simple.

They are having a youth PSA contest, which will present in April.  The theme is bystanders, and how they can make a difference.  I remember how last year, when the bullies were carrying out their plans, which I hadn't realized were truly plans which had been orchestrated by a group of people until right around that time- that the bystanders had been warned.  When we walked up, the bystanders stepped back, knowing what was about to happen.  The bullies backed my daughter and I up to a fence.  They knew they had done enough to really do damage them.  And no one stepped forward to care.

There is also a project talking to the parents of those who have been bullied.  That will be interesting to see where it goes.

At the meeting, she did actually introduce herself, which is more than she has done in some time.  The little girl, who used to seek out new kids at school, to give them a place to eat lunch until they found their footing, hadn't been able to manage introductions in some time.  So I am hopeful, and we are moving into a new chapter, with homeschooling and moving forward again.

Got any hints to share?  Strategies?  We are glad for guest blogger posts and ideas and comments.  I moderate them for making sure they aren't mean spirited, or the like, but otherwise all perspectives are welcome.  Hope to hear from you all.  We wish you the best.

Another simple thought...

I am not usually one to post so many photos or quotes, but the description here rings true.

I have spent a great deal of time reading about what makes a child more likely to be bullied, and the folks with empathy, who want those around them to be happy, and work to put others first, are the most likely to be deeply hurt in bullying.

So please, look around you, and notice those who need someone to stand beside them.  You can both work for good together!

Who Needs 'Em?

This is so much easier said than done.  Still, it is true.  We don't live for or through the bullies.  We live for ourselves- for the people we want to be- for the world we want to make.The bullies are nothing in the face of good, strong people who want a better world!

We matter... You matter... Not the bullies... They don't matter in your life.

I have had so many things I have thought to share here on this blog, but not always the words.  Rarely the words, in fact.  I spent time with a friend last night, and we talked about how unbelievable it is that the establishment seems to allow those who bully to bend the system and have far more rights than those they have abused and continue to abuse.
They don't call it the bully pulpit for nothing.  So often those folks are allowed to say things everyone knows cannot possible be true and run others off in hurt from their lies.  Even when the establishment supposedly has stepped up to try to stop them.
As we look forward to a new year, I saw this quote and thought to share.  I know this is far easier said than done.  How have you been able to stop letting the bullies affect your life?  Any tricks to share?  Ideas?  It would be wonderful to see a forum on this following the post.
Hugs to all.  This is a log road.  But we can build a better world.   Our children, our friends and we, too- deserve it.

Lessons Learned... Part Three

I began with something we did right, followed it with something of hindsight, so now I believe I should follow with a tip I learned along the way.

As a parent, I tried hard to be calm and help my child walk through the situation as long as she could, thinking as long as I was there and she said she could handle it, that I should let her learn to deal with people and learn to stand up for herself but comport herself with manners, like the person she wanted to be, and not run.

And yet, there I was, the day the sheriff called me to discuss the welfare of my child, feeling like the worst failure of a mama.  I took the call from the sheriff about a call to the school where a friend of hers felt that she was at breaking point, and had gone to a teacher they both trusted, and the teacher had called in the sheriff.  The sheriff called me as I left the doctor's office from a pre-op appointment with my aunt.  I raced back to the school.  After speaking with the sheriff, my daughter had unloaded everything to the school's dean.

Sitting with the dean, I fought the urge to pull the children, head home and lock the gates of the property.  Discussing everything, the dean seemed to understand that what had happened outside of the school, the vicious bullying, had also bled over into at least one class at the school.  I wanted her removed from the class, having tried repeatedly to address things with the teacher.  The school felt things at the school could be handled with classroom management, and I could address the outside things.  The dean reminded me to not fall apart in front of the children, and that perhaps my daughter needed to stick to her extracurriculars at the school, where they saw the value of the dedicated team player that she is.

I checked in with my daughter before leaving the school, she excused herself to get the water bottle she had left in my car and we talked a few minutes about being thankful for real friends who had her back, and she said she wanted to stay at the school for the day.  I didn't know at that moment just how special those real friends were.

I left the school, and went straight to the office of the group that oversees the extracurricular which had been at the heart of this mess.  This extracurricular had been a huge part of the lives of both my daughter and son, and even as the stress had built and we had dreaded the meetings for dealing with the gossiping bitties and increasing bully behavior, the children hadn't wanted to give it up.  My son had wanted, as the worst of the attacks unfolded, for me to stop them from doing this to my daughter, but I couldn't make them stop, they had lied to enough people and tried to cover their tracks well enough that it would still be another couple weeks before I knew just how thickly the lies were layered.  They really still are, to be honest.  They went to so many people of a period of time, laying down allegations of lies to such an extent that so many believed them, despite the fact that they had never once looked into the truth of their allegations.

I didn't fully unload on the leadership I met with that day.  I had been told by the bullies that they had believed the lies and signed off on sanctions against my daughter, and were told to be concerned about my son.  I struggled to stay as calm as possible, trying to figure out whether I should press charges directly with the sheriff, just pull the children and run, or try to enable her to stand up, hold her head high and walk into the remaining meetings of the year, so she wasn't somehow admitting to anything untrue by running.

As I sat there at the table with these two leaders, they both listened.  One had a daughter at one of the service academies, who had gone through bullying at the hands of an adult in a sport a few years back.  He acknowledged my worry.  He said she would come out of it better if she was part of the decision in what to do.  They gave me a few options, and said they would be glad to sit with my daughter to talk things through to help her decide her direction.

I didn't feel any better, but I did try to work with that.  I know all this isn't over and that there really isn't any closure, but I do know that I believe it helped her to make each decision with us, day by day.  When she chose to walk into a meeting that following weekend, knowing they would stare at her, and point and gossip in whispers, her father, brother and I walked in there with her.  The night before, she hadn't slept, and I had looked at my husband in the morning and asked when was the time to step in and stop it all.  We each spoke with her, and she seemed adamant about going through with it, that she would not give them a chance to bad mouth her that day without seeing her stand up.  So in we all walked, flanking her and standing there as a family. When they tried to be uncharacteristically nice, as fake as they were, we were nothing but mannerly, but when they wanted us to stand around and wait for them to do other things they wanted to show were more important, I did flatly state that we were not there to waste our day waiting for people who were not ready to do the work, if need be, we could do it for them and move on with our day.

Before we left, my daughter made sure to check in with the youth who were in their first year, trying to make sure they knew what to expect and let them know she would be there to help if they needed her.  She offered a hug to one, after giving the family a scare- they had been unprepared for knowing what they needed to do.  But they are really so sweet- we wouldn't want them to be caught off guard.  Then, as my daughter turned and said her goodbyes, one of the people who had very carefully hurt her so deeply held out her arms for a hug.  I was floored, but my daughter held strong and used her manners, not wanting to make a scene.  She let the person have a hug, and we headed off the property.

I told her I was proud of her for holding together so well and maintaining her manners in the face of it.  She said one day at a time, but she didn't want those people to take what was left away from her, or to let them be able to say she hadn't fulfilled even one of her commitments.  And she didn't want thme to be able to do anything to her little brother.

So that is my tip for tonight.  To keep talking them through it, and let them make the decisions of what they want to do for themselves, to help them to be completely informed, and make sure they know they are not alone.  I have appreciated that advice, even as I often want to lock the gates of the property and make the mean people go away.  It is all far from over, we will be dealing with this for some time.  My daughter deserves a real apology, with an admission from those who did this to somehow help restore her reputation.  We are certainly not holding our breath for it, but she does deserve it.  But we have certainly not lost our reality check in all of this.  We will continue to make decisions as a family, where each of the children can state for themselves what they need to do to move forward.  I hope that little bit of advice helps someone else empower their child to persevere for themselves and what is right for them.  I have certainly appreciated the reminder.  I hope you never need the advice, but if you do, I think it has helped us a bit.

Hugs to you all, and a brighter future too.