Lessons Learned... Part One

I began this blog several months ago, in the hopes of opening a dialog that would help my children cope with bullies, and share strategies with others where my children and others might have a few more tools to surviving life in a sometimes cruel world.

At the time, the bullies involved in pushing at the lives of my own children were gleaning help from adults and they were increasing in the frequency and intensity of their bullying activities.  Over the course of this school year, things got really bad.  I don't mean crying on the drive home from school bad, I mean vomiting, sleepwalking, not sleeping for weeks and then the adults finishing my child off so that we were just trying to get through the year and my child was promising she could handle it and the school called in the sheriff bad. 

But there wasn't much the sheriff could do, unless I press charges.  And the bullies' cyber activity had been very carefully deleted from the cyber places right before the final set of proverbial knives were thrown.  So pressing charges would take significant work.  But I still may, if it protects someone else.

Fortunately, my child had some great people in her life who closed ranks around her and have helped her through.  I have set through numerous meetings with people in charge of the extracurricular activity these folks were a part of, and they helped a little, but not much beyond getting through the end of the year, and from the place where I look, I don't know if they have done anything to prevent this from happening to another youth.  And I believe they would do it again, if given the chance.  Maybe they are doing something, but they cannot tell me what it is.  A real apology would be nice.  And for something to correct the lies told where these folks worked to ruin my child's reputation.

So now, here I sit, with the family putting the pieces back together and trying to finish the school year strong.  And I reflect on what I should have done before, what we did right to survive, what I ignored along the way to them hurting her so deeply, what I could share to help someone else walking in my shoes.  So for the next several posts, I am going to try to share some of those things.  I will go one at a time, so the posts aren't so long, and if you all have any tips to share, please do.  While I moderate comments to keep things positive and avoid anyone personally attacking another, the more ideas and options, the more tools in the tool belt for parents and you.

Here is my first tip, something we did right:  Don't let any one activity be all that your child is. 

In other words, it is easy to get wrapped up in a favorite sport, like soccer, or activity like robotics or 4-H or the like.  I am not, under any circumstances, saying that they should participate in a multitude of activities.  We as parents must gently enforce a balance between, school, activities, and down time.  But sometimes it is easy to let your child contine to expand further and furth in one activity, say multiple projects in 4H or multiple teams in one sport, and when the bullies show up, and start pushing things around, you are backed into living with those bullies or giving up that activity, becoming isolated from the friends there, and it gives those bullies WAY too much power.

While other folks made fun of us, told us we were holding our children back, my husband and I stood our ground at Football that our son could balance it with 4-H, and at 4-H that our children could play football, (basketball for our daughter, and this year she traded basketball for robotics and Science Olympiad.)  In the end, it was the youth in one of those activities which closed ranks around our daughter and reminded her of what a great kid she was.  When the bullies even went to that saving grace activity to hurt her reputation, and she teetered on the fence of falling apart again, one leader of that saving grace activity looked at her and said that they knew who she was for them, who she really was, and that was what mattered.  Sometimes I wonder if that leader knew just how much that one statement meant.

This is getting harder than I had thought to be as nondescript asa possible about who her bullies were, but just don't worry about who they were.  The important thing now is, what we learn from having gone through this.  Having had my child's reputation publicly maligned by bullies, I have no desire to have folks pointing fingers here, just to learn and share strategies to survive and thrive as a community we can all be proud of.  Anyhow, you get the idea.  That variety of friendships and experiences helps your child learn who they really are, and whom they want to be in this world.  So enough for now, I'll share another next time.  Hold strong, hug tight, say I love you adnd mean it.  Tlak to you soon.

Positive signs of what children are learning and how they see the world...

This is not so much about bullies, or preventing it, but a story about some positive things goin gon that make the world a better place.  I have been reminding my children, with all the competitions the participate in, that life isn't about winning every race, competition and prize.  Life is about doing the best you can and learning along the journey, and being proud of the person you were along the way.

We brought this hen home on Friday. She is presently living in a pen by herself, as she is new to the property and should be quarantined. As many of you know already, I have been mentoring an elementary school in an underpriviliged area with poultry. They were already doing beautifully with their gardens, where the youth select health ingredients for snacks and lunches and the families take turns helping with caring for the plants.

In the fall, a local farm donated ten hatching eggs for the children, and the school used an incubator (the hard way to begin the first time) and we candled eggs and waitd for some to hatch. Only one hatched, so the teacher bought a blue cochin at the feed store to be its friend growing up.

The young chicks are now over three months old, and are ready to move into the freshly built coop. Having seen the little ones throughout their life, the children are anxious to collect eggs.

In order to see the project all the way through, my friend Mai donated the Rhode Island Red you see above. Wyatt has selected a Phoenix hen to go along with her to the school as his donation to the project, one who likes to hatch babies.

So as the last touches are going on the coop this weekend, the Rhode Island will remain at our little farm for a couple of days. Early in the coming week, Bailey and Wyatt will help me take the birds to the class and get everyone settled in together. What an exciting time! In a world where nutrition has taken a back seat to convenience and cost, it is a pleasure to be a part of such a special project where youth learn to grow their own food and prepare it healthfully.

When this little Rhode Island Red came home, Wyatt was sad to sit her by herself, though he knows that is the proper way to do things when you raise a lying and meat flock. So after chores, he sat with her a while. "Everyone needs a friend, Mama. Especially when you go to a new place."

Okay, maybe there is hope for this workd after all...

Sunday Smile to start the Week Right...

Okay, nothing profound, just something special and sweet.  Had to share it.  Some of the folks I just stumbled upon in this life make my day on a regular basis with smiles, thought rovoking quotes and little things.  Never discount those people in this life.  Thank you to all of you who remind me of the goo din this world.  And when the bullies come to make themselves feel better by making you feel worse, remember who your special folks are. 

Have a great week!  Oh, and feel free to post a thanks to one of those special people in your life as a comment on this post.  Pay it forward!

Thought for the day on being a winner...

http://www.npr.org/2012/02/22/147186116/when-theres-more-to-winning-than-winning

I teach yoga, so sometimes you hear me call it Karma. I am also a parent, and at a 4H practice I once listened to a parent and leader discuss her expectations that any of her youth had better help out a fellow competitor who was having issues, with good sportsmanship and a smile on their face. And I was raised in a family where your work ethic and how you treat others, not your win-loss record are the measure of who you are.

This morning I managed to get out the door without my cell phone. So I got to make the long drive home. Turned out to be a good thing. Got a few moments in of catching up with Charlie as he was beginning his day, and helped him study for a board he has this afternoon. He told me a good friend had broken his leg earlier this week. The first thing I thought was ouch. To both of us, his is such a dear sweet guy with a smile and a hug for everyone, who manages to have all the dumb luck. But still a great guy.

Along the road home, I was listening to NPR, catching up on the goings on. There is a weekly commentator there, Frank Deford who has such wonderful perspective to his thoughts. He has logged in commentaries about people wanting to remove the national anthem from sporting events because people behave so poorly and his thoughts about athletes as heroes. Today was a wonderful piece about what makes them famous. And the role of the coach in making youth into good people.

Well, I hope you check it out, and leave your feedback. I hope that for you, like it did for me, it is one little lift in the step and reminder of who you want to be and how you want to be remembered. Have a great day everyone!

Quote to share...

I was listening to a show on NPR about bullying and heard this quote, wrote it down and it sort of stayed there.  On Saturday night, I was watching the news and they noted that within the city limits of Tucson, ten teen suicides in the past year have been attributed to bullying and/ or cyber bullying.  Wow.  I dug out the quote. 

"Gossip is like bursting a pillow on a hilltop.  Once the feathers are out, they cannot be gathered up again."

This quote makes me think.  When gossipping begins, I want to flee and yet I am not good at saying anything to effectively stop it.  Changing the subject hasn't been getting me anywhere, saying to each their own hasn't either.  And to be honest, it isn't enough.  I recently watched a mom stand up and say enough to talking about a family, and I was so impressed with her ability to do so.  I am better at sitting with others and directing my children to not hang out with gossippers than I am at making the "bittys" stop.

I also tried speaking to the parents of one of the youth who has targeted others, including my children, but the parents didn't seem to think it was a problem.  So today I ask for all of your input.  What would you say or do?

So many of the wonderful people around me have amazing insight, and I hope to learn from all of you.  This blog has some great followership, and I look forward to seeing the advice make a difference.  Thank you all for helping to make a difference.  Hugs to all!

Sharing a Great Story

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kristen-wolfe/dear-customer-who-stuck-u_b_1190690.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009

So today I have my catch-up day. Just myself and the animals as I try to catch up with a day here at our little world.  I was taking a break from responding to the emails I hadn't gotten to, when I saw someone had posted this as a share on facebook.

This story shows one way that we stand together to end bullying and make a difference for the youth of tomorrow.  Hope you like it, hope it helps you remember to be yourself and encourage others to be as well.  Have a wonderful, blessed Monday.

As always, I encourage the notes, ideas and comments that help us all stand up to bullies and help the little guy.  As always, a little reminder of Ghandi, "You ust be the change you wish to see in the world."

"One Day" Pretty Cool Dream of a better world

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Qc8ZbVcdHpg

A friend of mine shared this on facebook today.  Every little act of anger hurts others, and cannot be taken back, erased, or repaired.  By the same token, each and every act of kindness we exhibit and share is a win against those who would hurt us or who would change us to be their minions in a negative world. 

No matter what the popular folks say, or do, no matter who it seems they get to, when they gather groups together to talk about you or others, do not be a part of it.  Excuse yourself, and refuse to be a part of the cycle of negative and hurt.  Each time you refuse to allow others to make you a person you do not like, each time you choose to not let them hurt you- is a win for you, and for all those who have been bullied.

Stand together, stand for the best, and be the person you wish everyone was.  In the words of Ghandi, " You must be the change you wish to see in the world."  And we will be one step closer to that One World.  All the best to you all.