One survivor's story...

A friend of mine from school corresponds with me on Facebook.  After i began writing about our experiences and what we learned,working on sharing to help others, she began sharing with me about her own experience and how torn they had been in trying to stand up to the bully.  As a survivor, she has a very powerful story, one that speaks to just how hard it is to find the right path to survive and thrive after bullying and harassment.  To my friend, my heartfelt thanks for sharing.  To our readers, I hope it gives you another perspective in your own journey.  If you would like to share as well, we welcome guest bloggers here, to broaden perspective and learn together.  Thanks!




Bullying can lead to PTSD


I am 37 and suffer from PTSD, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  It all started in 2002 when I got married and we bought our first home and moved next to “the neighbor from hell.”  We had only been living there a week when we received an anonymous letter on our door threatening us because according to the letter we had cleaned off our drive way and had send dirt down the way to our neighbors.  The thing is we don’t clean off our driveway or sidewalks with the hose because we grew up in a drought and don’t waste water like that.


Six months later we very tastefully landscaped our yard and our neighbor didn’t like it and then for the next 4 years he would yell at me, threaten to kill me, throw stuff in our yards, etc.  He tried to petition to get rid of us, but due to there is no HOA we didn’t do anything wrong. And it wasn’t like we had funky lawn art or pink flamingos in our yard. We didn’t cement in our yard and make a parking lot. Our yard was very typical of other yards in our neighborhood, and was actually a copy of a yard down the street that got praised in the local paper for being beautiful and drought tolerant.


He did find some people to back his claim and as they walked the neighborhood taunting me I no longer felt welcomed and feared trying to make friends with other neighbors, as I was afraid they would lash out at me too. (A few years later we found out his biggest follower and our other harasser was arrested for being a Pedophile.) 


At first we just turned the other cheek and didn’t say anything. Because isn’t that what we are taught in church. If you have nothing to say don’t say anything at all? We were nice and polite.  We knew he was in the military and was home on disability.  In addition his wife really wanted to have a baby, but couldn’t get pregnant.   So tried to be empathetic and hoped that soon he’d stop taking his anger out on me/us.  He didn’t stop and things escalated.  


Finally my husband went over there to talk to him and he told my husband to beat me into line, as that is what he does and it works.  


Later we found an odd substance in our back yard that was obviously put there by the neighbor so I called the police. They came and I told them what had been going on and due to it was only my word against his they couldn’t do anything. They said if he threatened my life again I could call them up and they would put them in a holding cell over night. That was all they could do. They suggested we move.  Like you we didn’t want to let him push us around and win so we stayed.


For four years I feared for my life every day. I was afraid to go outside. I stayed home with all the widows and doors locked and the alarm set. If I went out side I took my phone with me and was on it talking to someone just so I won’t feel so alone and someone would witness my death if it came to that. When I had to leave the house I would turn the car on in the garage, lock the doors, open the garage door and then pull out. When I came home I would pull in to the garage close the door, turn off the car and then get out.


It’s been 8 years since he moved and I’m still dealing with PTSD.  


I regret not moving.  We didn’t do it at the time because we didn’t want to let him win, it would have been expensive and a hassle.  Looking back we know that the cost and hassle would have been worth my sanity. My husband also regrets not standing up to him more in the beginning.


Last year I moved and my PTSD is better, the house and yard isn’t there to trigger it every day, but it still isn’t all gone. 






I post what I do, hoping to help someone not feel so alone.


I hope it will help.






Again, many thanks to my friend for sharing her story!

Lessons Learned... Part Four... Find an Advocate

Along the journey of survival for us, we have learned different things from different people.  The day I was called by the sheriff, and raced back to the school, spending all that time with the dean, she told me my daughter felt completely alone in facing the bullies at school and in the activities where they had taken root.  Knowing your mama is talking you through strategies just isn't always enough.  The dean of students had told my girl that she would be willing to be her advocate, to be with her to help talk to teachers where the bullying was rampant in the classroom.

I think the dean meant well, but in the end, when the folks who were so unkind to my daughter pretended to change their ways and said they were looking after her, the dean believed them, and my daughter felt more alone.  In the end, the teacher where she had felt safe made sure my daughter had a place she could go.  And some very special youth circled around her and let her know she was theirs, no matter what those other people might say about her.  It gave her the first safe place to begin to put the pieces back together, and to be reminded that she really did matter, not just those folks who were allowed to belittle and use profanity at others because they were somehow special and had their own set of rules and exceptions.
 
Not feeling like the person who had offered to act as her advocate was really genuine, made her retreat into the circle of the few places she felt safe.  That made it take longer for her to stand up and fight for herself and  claim her place where intellectually she knew she had a right to, but where other people had been able to use and abuse her.

Recently, we went in to meet with someone about her scheduling for school.  I was perfectly honest, that I had given the year over to survival and getting her feet back under her.  I wasn't happy with having to do so, but so many of the people, both in leadership at the extracurricular where it all had began and at the school where things had spilled into, had been too busy to follow through with things that while they would have made more work for my daughter and myself, would have given her a chance to be safe and still excel.

As we sat speaking with this nice woman who had been the only one trying to follow through, she apologized for how so many had dropped the ball and let the behaviors perpetuate.  She had had her own child go through bullying, and understood my feeling that while my child needed to be held academically accountable for what she had done when she shut down, the classroom should be a safe place.

I am well aware that life isn't fair.  We have lived that reality for some time.  But what we need is a chance for her to work at getting her feet back under her, where she can be safe and work for what she wants.  The woman we met with agreed with us.  She helped advocate for my daughter to take placement exams to qualify for a different academic track with more advanced science courses.  (She had a greater background in some science classes due to some outside experience).  While my daughter would still see those youth, and their parents, and those people will likely continue to spread the rumors and lies, she won't have their games at every turn, or the oppressive interruptions to her academic day.  While we cannot change the world, we can make a corner of it happier and safer while she works to put the pieces back together and have steady ground to stand on.

So while no one can snap their fingers and fix the injustice, and no one deserves to have their lives hijacked by the self-important unkindness of others, finding an advocate- one that is truly an advocate- can help you to survive and begin to put the pieces back together.  The first one to present them self isn't always the right one, but keep trying.  The future is worth it.