Tip Number Two, Be careful with whom you trust your child, even if you have had well placed trust in the individual previously.
This seems so obvious, like something we would all get right. And yet, when faced with vicious, vindictive folks who have no actual base for the lies they are telling in their gossip, otherwise well meaning people can fall prey to the mob mentality. Normally nice folks who are generally tireless volunteers and seem to have nothing but every one's best interest at heart, can be sucked into the bizarre vortex of the mob and sweep it along, giving validity to the bully ringleader.
As unkind as the statement may seem, and as much as I have often been accused of being overprotective in an extreme, it is when we let out guard down that the bullies see their chance, and they take it, often with great abandon. This was certainly true in our case, and looking back, I knew the tide was changing, but didn't want to believe those previously nice folks would be a part of it.
Around here, we have something called "The Wyatt List." My mother reminds me regularly that the lord doesn't taketh away unless he gives something else in return first. In our case, our younger child had a rough time with deployments and the endless TDY cycles that are the nature of a military family these days. For periods of time, sometimes long ones, Wyatt didn't speak. Then he needed speech therapy and has some processing issues.
But what Wyatt has in return is this innate ability to see whether adults should be trusted. Basically anyone other than his age. The Wyatt List represents a VERY short list of people who he trusts, and often in varying degrees. Being on the Wyatt list is an honor.(I know, the whole thing sounds odd, but if you qualify for the Wyatt list, you really had to earn it.) Sometimes he looks at me and says of someone, I really wanted to like her. She loves animals, but it doesn't feel right. Funny to watch him. And he may look at someone at say "I'm shy, I don't want to meet them."
Imagine my surprise earlier this year when I went to get Wyatt from Bailey at the robotics lab, only to find he was across the hall with her biology teacher walking through the room asked her every question he could think of about her displays. Shortly thereafter he spent over an hour helping Bailey catch her a tarantula. This person ended up interceding to help Bailey. I should have listened more deeply to her, too, though that is another story.
For the first time this year, I saw Wyatt remove people from the Wyatt List. Previously, the ringleaders of this, and their close friends were never on the list. He was known to hid under chairs, behind water coolers, whatever to get away from them and not have to speak to them or their children. When one of the people had been at our home under false pretenses, preparing to drive the largest nail into Bailey, Wyatt had initially tried to help me speak with her, I thought maybe it was going to be okay. When she left, he said, "That was weird. What did she really want?"
He had already removed some other folks from the list, ones who he had previously selected and given hugs to. Looking back, I really wish I had listened to him, and my intuition when their behavior seemed strange. Maybe I could have somehow protected her, stepped in sooner, or done something to have prevented things from getting quite so bad. You see, these people were the pillars of the community type. And yet, even as they said they were not part of what was done, they were spreading the gossip, snubbing our daughter and then asking for hugs from the cuddly sweet girl- very publicly, playing the hurt with her good manners. And standing back as part of the gossip ring so clearly that would turn their back on her as she walked into a meeting and faced the angry ringleader who said nothing kind.
And you could read on the ringleader's face and in her strange remarks when she was lying most and gossiping most viciously. And my blind feeling, having gone to those I previously had trusted, allowed them to help the ringleaders to continuously hurt my child more deeply.
So even if you feel that certain people have always been nice in the past, done right by children before, even done special things for your child, don't ignore warning signs that say you should withdraw your trust. And if you have to withdraw that trust, keep records of what is being done. But that is the topic of another post, this one is long enough! So be careful who you trust, and don't blindly continue to trust someone just because you have in the past and other folks continue to do so. Our parent intuition is there for a reason!
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Lessons Learned... Part One
I began this blog several months ago, in the hopes of opening a dialog that would help my children cope with bullies, and share strategies with others where my children and others might have a few more tools to surviving life in a sometimes cruel world.
At the time, the bullies involved in pushing at the lives of my own children were gleaning help from adults and they were increasing in the frequency and intensity of their bullying activities. Over the course of this school year, things got really bad. I don't mean crying on the drive home from school bad, I mean vomiting, sleepwalking, not sleeping for weeks and then the adults finishing my child off so that we were just trying to get through the year and my child was promising she could handle it and the school called in the sheriff bad.
But there wasn't much the sheriff could do, unless I press charges. And the bullies' cyber activity had been very carefully deleted from the cyber places right before the final set of proverbial knives were thrown. So pressing charges would take significant work. But I still may, if it protects someone else.
Fortunately, my child had some great people in her life who closed ranks around her and have helped her through. I have set through numerous meetings with people in charge of the extracurricular activity these folks were a part of, and they helped a little, but not much beyond getting through the end of the year, and from the place where I look, I don't know if they have done anything to prevent this from happening to another youth. And I believe they would do it again, if given the chance. Maybe they are doing something, but they cannot tell me what it is. A real apology would be nice. And for something to correct the lies told where these folks worked to ruin my child's reputation.
So now, here I sit, with the family putting the pieces back together and trying to finish the school year strong. And I reflect on what I should have done before, what we did right to survive, what I ignored along the way to them hurting her so deeply, what I could share to help someone else walking in my shoes. So for the next several posts, I am going to try to share some of those things. I will go one at a time, so the posts aren't so long, and if you all have any tips to share, please do. While I moderate comments to keep things positive and avoid anyone personally attacking another, the more ideas and options, the more tools in the tool belt for parents and you.
Here is my first tip, something we did right: Don't let any one activity be all that your child is.
In other words, it is easy to get wrapped up in a favorite sport, like soccer, or activity like robotics or 4-H or the like. I am not, under any circumstances, saying that they should participate in a multitude of activities. We as parents must gently enforce a balance between, school, activities, and down time. But sometimes it is easy to let your child contine to expand further and furth in one activity, say multiple projects in 4H or multiple teams in one sport, and when the bullies show up, and start pushing things around, you are backed into living with those bullies or giving up that activity, becoming isolated from the friends there, and it gives those bullies WAY too much power.
While other folks made fun of us, told us we were holding our children back, my husband and I stood our ground at Football that our son could balance it with 4-H, and at 4-H that our children could play football, (basketball for our daughter, and this year she traded basketball for robotics and Science Olympiad.) In the end, it was the youth in one of those activities which closed ranks around our daughter and reminded her of what a great kid she was. When the bullies even went to that saving grace activity to hurt her reputation, and she teetered on the fence of falling apart again, one leader of that saving grace activity looked at her and said that they knew who she was for them, who she really was, and that was what mattered. Sometimes I wonder if that leader knew just how much that one statement meant.
This is getting harder than I had thought to be as nondescript asa possible about who her bullies were, but just don't worry about who they were. The important thing now is, what we learn from having gone through this. Having had my child's reputation publicly maligned by bullies, I have no desire to have folks pointing fingers here, just to learn and share strategies to survive and thrive as a community we can all be proud of. Anyhow, you get the idea. That variety of friendships and experiences helps your child learn who they really are, and whom they want to be in this world. So enough for now, I'll share another next time. Hold strong, hug tight, say I love you adnd mean it. Tlak to you soon.
At the time, the bullies involved in pushing at the lives of my own children were gleaning help from adults and they were increasing in the frequency and intensity of their bullying activities. Over the course of this school year, things got really bad. I don't mean crying on the drive home from school bad, I mean vomiting, sleepwalking, not sleeping for weeks and then the adults finishing my child off so that we were just trying to get through the year and my child was promising she could handle it and the school called in the sheriff bad.
But there wasn't much the sheriff could do, unless I press charges. And the bullies' cyber activity had been very carefully deleted from the cyber places right before the final set of proverbial knives were thrown. So pressing charges would take significant work. But I still may, if it protects someone else.
Fortunately, my child had some great people in her life who closed ranks around her and have helped her through. I have set through numerous meetings with people in charge of the extracurricular activity these folks were a part of, and they helped a little, but not much beyond getting through the end of the year, and from the place where I look, I don't know if they have done anything to prevent this from happening to another youth. And I believe they would do it again, if given the chance. Maybe they are doing something, but they cannot tell me what it is. A real apology would be nice. And for something to correct the lies told where these folks worked to ruin my child's reputation.
So now, here I sit, with the family putting the pieces back together and trying to finish the school year strong. And I reflect on what I should have done before, what we did right to survive, what I ignored along the way to them hurting her so deeply, what I could share to help someone else walking in my shoes. So for the next several posts, I am going to try to share some of those things. I will go one at a time, so the posts aren't so long, and if you all have any tips to share, please do. While I moderate comments to keep things positive and avoid anyone personally attacking another, the more ideas and options, the more tools in the tool belt for parents and you.
Here is my first tip, something we did right: Don't let any one activity be all that your child is.
In other words, it is easy to get wrapped up in a favorite sport, like soccer, or activity like robotics or 4-H or the like. I am not, under any circumstances, saying that they should participate in a multitude of activities. We as parents must gently enforce a balance between, school, activities, and down time. But sometimes it is easy to let your child contine to expand further and furth in one activity, say multiple projects in 4H or multiple teams in one sport, and when the bullies show up, and start pushing things around, you are backed into living with those bullies or giving up that activity, becoming isolated from the friends there, and it gives those bullies WAY too much power.
While other folks made fun of us, told us we were holding our children back, my husband and I stood our ground at Football that our son could balance it with 4-H, and at 4-H that our children could play football, (basketball for our daughter, and this year she traded basketball for robotics and Science Olympiad.) In the end, it was the youth in one of those activities which closed ranks around our daughter and reminded her of what a great kid she was. When the bullies even went to that saving grace activity to hurt her reputation, and she teetered on the fence of falling apart again, one leader of that saving grace activity looked at her and said that they knew who she was for them, who she really was, and that was what mattered. Sometimes I wonder if that leader knew just how much that one statement meant.
This is getting harder than I had thought to be as nondescript asa possible about who her bullies were, but just don't worry about who they were. The important thing now is, what we learn from having gone through this. Having had my child's reputation publicly maligned by bullies, I have no desire to have folks pointing fingers here, just to learn and share strategies to survive and thrive as a community we can all be proud of. Anyhow, you get the idea. That variety of friendships and experiences helps your child learn who they really are, and whom they want to be in this world. So enough for now, I'll share another next time. Hold strong, hug tight, say I love you adnd mean it. Tlak to you soon.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Positive signs of what children are learning and how they see the world...
This is not so much about bullies, or preventing it, but a story about some positive things goin gon that make the world a better place. I have been reminding my children, with all the competitions the participate in, that life isn't about winning every race, competition and prize. Life is about doing the best you can and learning along the journey, and being proud of the person you were along the way.
We brought this hen home on Friday. She is presently living in a pen by herself, as she is new to the property and should be quarantined. As many of you know already, I have been mentoring an elementary school in an underpriviliged area with poultry. They were already doing beautifully with their gardens, where the youth select health ingredients for snacks and lunches and the families take turns helping with caring for the plants.
In the fall, a local farm donated ten hatching eggs for the children, and the school used an incubator (the hard way to begin the first time) and we candled eggs and waitd for some to hatch. Only one hatched, so the teacher bought a blue cochin at the feed store to be its friend growing up.
We brought this hen home on Friday. She is presently living in a pen by herself, as she is new to the property and should be quarantined. As many of you know already, I have been mentoring an elementary school in an underpriviliged area with poultry. They were already doing beautifully with their gardens, where the youth select health ingredients for snacks and lunches and the families take turns helping with caring for the plants.
In the fall, a local farm donated ten hatching eggs for the children, and the school used an incubator (the hard way to begin the first time) and we candled eggs and waitd for some to hatch. Only one hatched, so the teacher bought a blue cochin at the feed store to be its friend growing up.
The young chicks are now over three months old, and are ready to move into the freshly built coop. Having seen the little ones throughout their life, the children are anxious to collect eggs.
In order to see the project all the way through, my friend Mai donated the Rhode Island Red you see above. Wyatt has selected a Phoenix hen to go along with her to the school as his donation to the project, one who likes to hatch babies.
So as the last touches are going on the coop this weekend, the Rhode Island will remain at our little farm for a couple of days. Early in the coming week, Bailey and Wyatt will help me take the birds to the class and get everyone settled in together. What an exciting time! In a world where nutrition has taken a back seat to convenience and cost, it is a pleasure to be a part of such a special project where youth learn to grow their own food and prepare it healthfully.
When this little Rhode Island Red came home, Wyatt was sad to sit her by herself, though he knows that is the proper way to do things when you raise a lying and meat flock. So after chores, he sat with her a while. "Everyone needs a friend, Mama. Especially when you go to a new place."
Okay, maybe there is hope for this workd after all...
Sunday, March 4, 2012
Sunday Smile to start the Week Right...
Okay, nothing profound, just something special and sweet. Had to share it. Some of the folks I just stumbled upon in this life make my day on a regular basis with smiles, thought rovoking quotes and little things. Never discount those people in this life. Thank you to all of you who remind me of the goo din this world. And when the bullies come to make themselves feel better by making you feel worse, remember who your special folks are.
Have a great week! Oh, and feel free to post a thanks to one of those special people in your life as a comment on this post. Pay it forward!
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Thought for the day on being a winner...
http://www.npr.org/2012/02/22/147186116/when-theres-more-to-winning-than-winning
I teach yoga, so sometimes you hear me call it Karma. I am also a parent, and at a 4H practice I once listened to a parent and leader discuss her expectations that any of her youth had better help out a fellow competitor who was having issues, with good sportsmanship and a smile on their face. And I was raised in a family where your work ethic and how you treat others, not your win-loss record are the measure of who you are.
This morning I managed to get out the door without my cell phone. So I got to make the long drive home. Turned out to be a good thing. Got a few moments in of catching up with Charlie as he was beginning his day, and helped him study for a board he has this afternoon. He told me a good friend had broken his leg earlier this week. The first thing I thought was ouch. To both of us, his is such a dear sweet guy with a smile and a hug for everyone, who manages to have all the dumb luck. But still a great guy.
Along the road home, I was listening to NPR, catching up on the goings on. There is a weekly commentator there, Frank Deford who has such wonderful perspective to his thoughts. He has logged in commentaries about people wanting to remove the national anthem from sporting events because people behave so poorly and his thoughts about athletes as heroes. Today was a wonderful piece about what makes them famous. And the role of the coach in making youth into good people.
Well, I hope you check it out, and leave your feedback. I hope that for you, like it did for me, it is one little lift in the step and reminder of who you want to be and how you want to be remembered. Have a great day everyone!
I teach yoga, so sometimes you hear me call it Karma. I am also a parent, and at a 4H practice I once listened to a parent and leader discuss her expectations that any of her youth had better help out a fellow competitor who was having issues, with good sportsmanship and a smile on their face. And I was raised in a family where your work ethic and how you treat others, not your win-loss record are the measure of who you are.
This morning I managed to get out the door without my cell phone. So I got to make the long drive home. Turned out to be a good thing. Got a few moments in of catching up with Charlie as he was beginning his day, and helped him study for a board he has this afternoon. He told me a good friend had broken his leg earlier this week. The first thing I thought was ouch. To both of us, his is such a dear sweet guy with a smile and a hug for everyone, who manages to have all the dumb luck. But still a great guy.
Along the road home, I was listening to NPR, catching up on the goings on. There is a weekly commentator there, Frank Deford who has such wonderful perspective to his thoughts. He has logged in commentaries about people wanting to remove the national anthem from sporting events because people behave so poorly and his thoughts about athletes as heroes. Today was a wonderful piece about what makes them famous. And the role of the coach in making youth into good people.
Well, I hope you check it out, and leave your feedback. I hope that for you, like it did for me, it is one little lift in the step and reminder of who you want to be and how you want to be remembered. Have a great day everyone!
Monday, February 20, 2012
Quote to share...
I was listening to a show on NPR about bullying and heard this quote, wrote it down and it sort of stayed there. On Saturday night, I was watching the news and they noted that within the city limits of Tucson, ten teen suicides in the past year have been attributed to bullying and/ or cyber bullying. Wow. I dug out the quote.
"Gossip is like bursting a pillow on a hilltop. Once the feathers are out, they cannot be gathered up again."
This quote makes me think. When gossipping begins, I want to flee and yet I am not good at saying anything to effectively stop it. Changing the subject hasn't been getting me anywhere, saying to each their own hasn't either. And to be honest, it isn't enough. I recently watched a mom stand up and say enough to talking about a family, and I was so impressed with her ability to do so. I am better at sitting with others and directing my children to not hang out with gossippers than I am at making the "bittys" stop.
I also tried speaking to the parents of one of the youth who has targeted others, including my children, but the parents didn't seem to think it was a problem. So today I ask for all of your input. What would you say or do?
So many of the wonderful people around me have amazing insight, and I hope to learn from all of you. This blog has some great followership, and I look forward to seeing the advice make a difference. Thank you all for helping to make a difference. Hugs to all!
"Gossip is like bursting a pillow on a hilltop. Once the feathers are out, they cannot be gathered up again."
This quote makes me think. When gossipping begins, I want to flee and yet I am not good at saying anything to effectively stop it. Changing the subject hasn't been getting me anywhere, saying to each their own hasn't either. And to be honest, it isn't enough. I recently watched a mom stand up and say enough to talking about a family, and I was so impressed with her ability to do so. I am better at sitting with others and directing my children to not hang out with gossippers than I am at making the "bittys" stop.
I also tried speaking to the parents of one of the youth who has targeted others, including my children, but the parents didn't seem to think it was a problem. So today I ask for all of your input. What would you say or do?
So many of the wonderful people around me have amazing insight, and I hope to learn from all of you. This blog has some great followership, and I look forward to seeing the advice make a difference. Thank you all for helping to make a difference. Hugs to all!
Monday, January 9, 2012
Sharing a Great Story
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/kristen-wolfe/dear-customer-who-stuck-u_b_1190690.html?ncid=edlinkusaolp00000009
So today I have my catch-up day. Just myself and the animals as I try to catch up with a day here at our little world. I was taking a break from responding to the emails I hadn't gotten to, when I saw someone had posted this as a share on facebook.
This story shows one way that we stand together to end bullying and make a difference for the youth of tomorrow. Hope you like it, hope it helps you remember to be yourself and encourage others to be as well. Have a wonderful, blessed Monday.
As always, I encourage the notes, ideas and comments that help us all stand up to bullies and help the little guy. As always, a little reminder of Ghandi, "You ust be the change you wish to see in the world."
So today I have my catch-up day. Just myself and the animals as I try to catch up with a day here at our little world. I was taking a break from responding to the emails I hadn't gotten to, when I saw someone had posted this as a share on facebook.
This story shows one way that we stand together to end bullying and make a difference for the youth of tomorrow. Hope you like it, hope it helps you remember to be yourself and encourage others to be as well. Have a wonderful, blessed Monday.
As always, I encourage the notes, ideas and comments that help us all stand up to bullies and help the little guy. As always, a little reminder of Ghandi, "You ust be the change you wish to see in the world."
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