Saturday, July 27, 2013
Saturday, July 20, 2013
Saturday, July 13, 2013
One community is planning to ticket parents of chronic bullies... What do YOU think?
This article was shared with me by someone who is a friend of the blog. I am interested in hearing what you think about this approach...
Community will ticket parents of chronic bullies
June 3, 2013 at 1:59 PM ET
Tickets aren’t just for speeding anymore in one Wisconsin community -- cops there can also hand them out to families whose children torment other kids.
Monona, a suburb of Madison, Wis., recently adopted an ordinance that allows police to cite the parents of chronic bullies. If they’re notified in writing that their child is bullying, and the bad behavior happens again within 90 days, the parents can be fined $114 in municipal court.
Julie Hertzog, director of the National Bullying Prevention Center, said this is the first community she has seen pass such a rule. But police noted they don’t expect to use it very often.
“There’s a lot of discretion here. If we go to someone’s house and the parents are just at wit’s end, they don’t know what to do, they’ve tried everything, it’s just not working – we’re not going to write those people tickets. That’s not right, they’re actually trying to fix the problem,” Walter Ostrenga, the town’s chief of police, told TODAY Moms.
Getty Images
Nearly one-third of all school-aged children are bullied each year, according to the National Bullying Prevention Center.
“It’s the ones where you go knocking on the door and they say, ‘Hey, my kid’s perfect, you have no reason to come here,’ and slam the door in your face and they’re totally uncooperative. Those are the ones we’re trying to make an impact on.”
The ordinance covers cyberbullying, Ostrenga said, adding he’s heard nothing but positive comments about the new rule, which was adopted last month. No specific incident prompted the town to take action, he noted, calling bullying a “global issue.”
Hertzog said it’s too early to tell whether other communities might want to follow suit. She sees education as more of the trend in the battle against bullying, rather than financial penalties, and wondered whether a fine would have an effect.
“I think parents should be held accountable for their child’s actions, but I also think that in doing so, they need some education and resources about how they can help their child,” Hertzog told TODAY Moms.
“For so long, we were just looking at our schools as being responsible for this, but now we understand that it’s about community working together: it’s the schools, it’s the parents, it’s the law enforcement.”
One of the most frequently downloaded handouts on the website of the National Bullying Prevention Center is titled, “What if my child is the bully?” Hertzog said.
Saturday, July 6, 2013
Coulda-Shoulda-Woulda
I wish I knew who to credit this graphic to, but alas, I do not. There have been a great many times in the course of surviving and moving forward past the targeted bullying of my daughter, where I have wished I had removed her from a situation sooner, wished I had thrown manners way and stood up, and so many other things. But I cannot go back.
I can, however, share the experience, and change how I approach things from now on. I can be mannerly to those people from a distance, but assert that my children WILL NOT be one on one with them, though they have still found ways to corner my daughter to be "friendly". I cannot change that the folks who should be there to look out for the youth still protect those who do this, maybe because they feel those volunteers cannot be replaced even if their motives are not altruistic. I cannot protect the kids from folks like that throughout life, they will have to learn to hold their own and not fall victim, while still portraying manners and civility. So I will keep working on letting go of what I cannot change, and change what I can, without living in fear or as a victim.
I know in time, I will learn to forgive, though I cannot forget, and I will not allow them the opportunity to do that again. But it will take me time, and first I will work on those coulda-shoulda-wouldas. They don't really help at all. Got any tricks for those? Please share!
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Criticize?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you will be a mile away and you will have their shoes.
I know we all love these funnies. Remember that old adage your mom used to tell you about, "If you don't have anything nice to day, don't say anything at all?" Stand up, and expect that of those around you. And when you correct them for their unkindness, if these folks only apologize for saying it in front of you, as opposed to for saying it at all,they are showing their true character. We can show better, and if we emulate better, and demand that of those in our lives, the good can spread!
We were talking about it again yesterday. The folks that bullied and continue to spread lies about my daughter, are lying about things going on on my property, property that they have never been to. Up until they began this garbage, I would have been fine with them coming out to see for themselves. Now I know that I owe them nothing, and stand that my home, my property should be a refuge for my children, not a place for their garbage to fester.
We were talking about it again yesterday. The folks that bullied and continue to spread lies about my daughter, are lying about things going on on my property, property that they have never been to. Up until they began this garbage, I would have been fine with them coming out to see for themselves. Now I know that I owe them nothing, and stand that my home, my property should be a refuge for my children, not a place for their garbage to fester.
When someone tells you juicy gossip that they feel they "know". Ask them, how do they know it? And did they try to help by going to the site they say was a problem? Or did they sit on their rear and make up lies to make themselves feel better that would make them sound "nice" as they maligned that person?
It is unbelievable the folks we really want to believe the best about, sometimes have other motives behind their actions. So again, let your true heart shine through, and show better, emulate better. Be the positive change and others will follow.
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
The Truth and Lies
A Lie can travel
half way
around the world,
while the Truth
is still putting
on its shoes.
The next time someone tells you something, remember please, if you didn't see it for yourself, without their filter of telling you what you are seeing, you might not be hearing the truth.
Wednesday, March 13, 2013
Surviving
Note- This is a cross post from our farm blog, but one that seemed appropriate to share here...
As I was just moving things around outside, I found myself thinking that for all of the work and all of the ups and downs, I don't feel as though I am moving as far forward as I would like, but instead just surviving. But then I thought, for all we have been through, is that really so bad?
Over the last few days, I have said to myself, over and over, "I will not borrow trouble." I know that at my age, I should know better than this. But as I learned that the bullies who doggedly pursued my child have, in several cases, been befriending the true friends my daughter has, just as they did before they isolated her in the last couple years before viciously tearing her down, I found myself having to say this, and remember that she does have true friends. And she will need to learn to handle those people eventually. I have her homeschooling now, so that she can at least focus on schoolwork without the constant bully garbage, but she does need to learn to stand up to people like that. So, "I will not borrow trouble." I do know that it only makes things worse! Enough overprotective mama!
I had originally planned that I would take time to blog today about the power of those little moments in life, where you turn around and just say "wow." Those moments of connection with nature's beauty are where my husband feels most spiritual, closer to God within his own heart. But as I was looking through magazines for recipes to save so I could recycle the magazines, something reminded me of the need to count our blessings regularly. This right after the thought about surviving, made me think I would take time for that in today's blog post.
Each evening at dinner, we say grace as a family, led by the children. The simple prayer hasn't evolved as the children have aged, despite my suggestions. So, after grace, we share around the table what we are thankful for on that day. That simple act of counting our blessings, and rejoicing in those special to those we love, is so special to me, and I think it helps ground me, too. Especially on the days that worrying- as much as I know not to- sneaks into my consciousness.
It is interesting, as we have heard the phrase, "from your lips to God's ears" that each little prayer of hope, thanksgiving, and self reflection is a small conversation that helps us become the person we want to be- and that we can be proud of. Regardless of your personal beliefs, these simple acts are also scientifically proven to increase the level of joy in your life.
So if you, like me, find the need to remind yourself to let go of the worries and count hte blessings in your life- consider yourself blessed- and on the right track to more blessings. Good really does breed good, right. In our outlook as well. And now we have science to back us up- yet again!
Over the last few days, I have said to myself, over and over, "I will not borrow trouble." I know that at my age, I should know better than this. But as I learned that the bullies who doggedly pursued my child have, in several cases, been befriending the true friends my daughter has, just as they did before they isolated her in the last couple years before viciously tearing her down, I found myself having to say this, and remember that she does have true friends. And she will need to learn to handle those people eventually. I have her homeschooling now, so that she can at least focus on schoolwork without the constant bully garbage, but she does need to learn to stand up to people like that. So, "I will not borrow trouble." I do know that it only makes things worse! Enough overprotective mama!
I had originally planned that I would take time to blog today about the power of those little moments in life, where you turn around and just say "wow." Those moments of connection with nature's beauty are where my husband feels most spiritual, closer to God within his own heart. But as I was looking through magazines for recipes to save so I could recycle the magazines, something reminded me of the need to count our blessings regularly. This right after the thought about surviving, made me think I would take time for that in today's blog post.
Each evening at dinner, we say grace as a family, led by the children. The simple prayer hasn't evolved as the children have aged, despite my suggestions. So, after grace, we share around the table what we are thankful for on that day. That simple act of counting our blessings, and rejoicing in those special to those we love, is so special to me, and I think it helps ground me, too. Especially on the days that worrying- as much as I know not to- sneaks into my consciousness.
It is interesting, as we have heard the phrase, "from your lips to God's ears" that each little prayer of hope, thanksgiving, and self reflection is a small conversation that helps us become the person we want to be- and that we can be proud of. Regardless of your personal beliefs, these simple acts are also scientifically proven to increase the level of joy in your life.
So if you, like me, find the need to remind yourself to let go of the worries and count hte blessings in your life- consider yourself blessed- and on the right track to more blessings. Good really does breed good, right. In our outlook as well. And now we have science to back us up- yet again!
Saturday, March 9, 2013
Update...
Hi there. A little over a week ago, my daughter and I went to a meeting of the Anti-Bulling Task Force in our town. It is one arm of the Fund for Civility and Understanding, created as a positive community based response to the Giffords shooting of January 8th, two years ago. The home school person from the county superintendent's office, had mentioned it to me as something empowering, since my daughter is resisting trusting a counselor.
There are presentation at each monthly meeting, form folks doing community work, like helping adult leaders learn about recognizing and stopping bullying. We learned that conflict resolution, for things like bullying, generally doesn't work. Why not? Because in bullying, there is no conflict. Bullying is about power, and exerting power over others for personal gain. So there isn't a true conflict to resolve, and conflict resolution only enables the bully and traps the victim into being "nice" yet again to someone continuing to hurt them.
At this particular meeting, there was a man from a group who does free education in sexual harassment. He was discussing that this, too, isn't about sex, but about power. It is abuse, plain and simple.
They are having a youth PSA contest, which will present in April. The theme is bystanders, and how they can make a difference. I remember how last year, when the bullies were carrying out their plans, which I hadn't realized were truly plans which had been orchestrated by a group of people until right around that time- that the bystanders had been warned. When we walked up, the bystanders stepped back, knowing what was about to happen. The bullies backed my daughter and I up to a fence. They knew they had done enough to really do damage them. And no one stepped forward to care.
There is also a project talking to the parents of those who have been bullied. That will be interesting to see where it goes.
At the meeting, she did actually introduce herself, which is more than she has done in some time. The little girl, who used to seek out new kids at school, to give them a place to eat lunch until they found their footing, hadn't been able to manage introductions in some time. So I am hopeful, and we are moving into a new chapter, with homeschooling and moving forward again.
Got any hints to share? Strategies? We are glad for guest blogger posts and ideas and comments. I moderate them for making sure they aren't mean spirited, or the like, but otherwise all perspectives are welcome. Hope to hear from you all. We wish you the best.
There are presentation at each monthly meeting, form folks doing community work, like helping adult leaders learn about recognizing and stopping bullying. We learned that conflict resolution, for things like bullying, generally doesn't work. Why not? Because in bullying, there is no conflict. Bullying is about power, and exerting power over others for personal gain. So there isn't a true conflict to resolve, and conflict resolution only enables the bully and traps the victim into being "nice" yet again to someone continuing to hurt them.
At this particular meeting, there was a man from a group who does free education in sexual harassment. He was discussing that this, too, isn't about sex, but about power. It is abuse, plain and simple.
They are having a youth PSA contest, which will present in April. The theme is bystanders, and how they can make a difference. I remember how last year, when the bullies were carrying out their plans, which I hadn't realized were truly plans which had been orchestrated by a group of people until right around that time- that the bystanders had been warned. When we walked up, the bystanders stepped back, knowing what was about to happen. The bullies backed my daughter and I up to a fence. They knew they had done enough to really do damage them. And no one stepped forward to care.
There is also a project talking to the parents of those who have been bullied. That will be interesting to see where it goes.
At the meeting, she did actually introduce herself, which is more than she has done in some time. The little girl, who used to seek out new kids at school, to give them a place to eat lunch until they found their footing, hadn't been able to manage introductions in some time. So I am hopeful, and we are moving into a new chapter, with homeschooling and moving forward again.
Got any hints to share? Strategies? We are glad for guest blogger posts and ideas and comments. I moderate them for making sure they aren't mean spirited, or the like, but otherwise all perspectives are welcome. Hope to hear from you all. We wish you the best.
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Honor Students can be Bullies, too.
There is a myth I have encountered, that bullies are confined to certain types of people. Anyone can be a bully, just as anyone can become a target for a bully.
For whatever reason they become a bully, and no matter who they are, it's not okay. Sweeping it under the rug or ignoring it in any way only serves to encourage and embolden the bully and further hurt the victim.
For whatever reason they become a bully, and no matter who they are, it's not okay. Sweeping it under the rug or ignoring it in any way only serves to encourage and embolden the bully and further hurt the victim.
Tuesday, January 22, 2013
Saturday, December 29, 2012
Another simple thought...
I am not usually one to post so many photos or quotes, but the description here rings true.
I have spent a great deal of time reading about what makes a child more likely to be bullied, and the folks with empathy, who want those around them to be happy, and work to put others first, are the most likely to be deeply hurt in bullying.
So please, look around you, and notice those who need someone to stand beside them. You can both work for good together!
I have spent a great deal of time reading about what makes a child more likely to be bullied, and the folks with empathy, who want those around them to be happy, and work to put others first, are the most likely to be deeply hurt in bullying.
So please, look around you, and notice those who need someone to stand beside them. You can both work for good together!
Friday, December 28, 2012
Who Needs 'Em?
This is so much easier said than done. Still, it is true. We don't live for or through the bullies. We live for ourselves- for the people we want to be- for the world we want to make.The bullies are nothing in the face of good, strong people who want a better world!
We matter... You matter... Not the bullies... They don't matter in your life.
I have had so many things I have thought to share here on this blog, but not always the words. Rarely the words, in fact. I spent time with a friend last night, and we talked about how unbelievable it is that the establishment seems to allow those who bully to bend the system and have far more rights than those they have abused and continue to abuse.
They don't call it the bully pulpit for nothing. So often those folks are allowed to say things everyone knows cannot possible be true and run others off in hurt from their lies. Even when the establishment supposedly has stepped up to try to stop them.
As we look forward to a new year, I saw this quote and thought to share. I know this is far easier said than done. How have you been able to stop letting the bullies affect your life? Any tricks to share? Ideas? It would be wonderful to see a forum on this following the post.
Hugs to all. This is a log road. But we can build a better world. Our children, our friends and we, too- deserve it.
They don't call it the bully pulpit for nothing. So often those folks are allowed to say things everyone knows cannot possible be true and run others off in hurt from their lies. Even when the establishment supposedly has stepped up to try to stop them.
As we look forward to a new year, I saw this quote and thought to share. I know this is far easier said than done. How have you been able to stop letting the bullies affect your life? Any tricks to share? Ideas? It would be wonderful to see a forum on this following the post.
Hugs to all. This is a log road. But we can build a better world. Our children, our friends and we, too- deserve it.
Friday, July 6, 2012
Tuesday, June 19, 2012
Monday, June 18, 2012
Lessons Learned... Part Four... Find an Advocate
Along the journey of survival for us, we have learned different things from different people. The day I was called by the sheriff, and raced back to the school, spending all that time with the dean, she told me my daughter felt completely alone in facing the bullies at school and in the activities where they had taken root. Knowing your mama is talking you through strategies just isn't always enough. The dean of students had told my girl that she would be willing to be her advocate, to be with her to help talk to teachers where the bullying was rampant in the classroom.
I think the dean meant well, but in the end, when the folks who were so unkind to my daughter pretended to change their ways and said they were looking after her, the dean believed them, and my daughter felt more alone. In the end, the teacher where she had felt safe made sure my daughter had a place she could go. And some very special youth circled around her and let her know she was theirs, no matter what those other people might say about her. It gave her the first safe place to begin to put the pieces back together, and to be reminded that she really did matter, not just those folks who were allowed to belittle and use profanity at others because they were somehow special and had their own set of rules and exceptions.
Not feeling like the person who had offered to act as her advocate was really genuine, made her retreat into the circle of the few places she felt safe. That made it take longer for her to stand up and fight for herself and claim her place where intellectually she knew she had a right to, but where other people had been able to use and abuse her.
Recently, we went in to meet with someone about her scheduling for school. I was perfectly honest, that I had given the year over to survival and getting her feet back under her. I wasn't happy with having to do so, but so many of the people, both in leadership at the extracurricular where it all had began and at the school where things had spilled into, had been too busy to follow through with things that while they would have made more work for my daughter and myself, would have given her a chance to be safe and still excel.
As we sat speaking with this nice woman who had been the only one trying to follow through, she apologized for how so many had dropped the ball and let the behaviors perpetuate. She had had her own child go through bullying, and understood my feeling that while my child needed to be held academically accountable for what she had done when she shut down, the classroom should be a safe place.
I am well aware that life isn't fair. We have lived that reality for some time. But what we need is a chance for her to work at getting her feet back under her, where she can be safe and work for what she wants. The woman we met with agreed with us. She helped advocate for my daughter to take placement exams to qualify for a different academic track with more advanced science courses. (She had a greater background in some science classes due to some outside experience). While my daughter would still see those youth, and their parents, and those people will likely continue to spread the rumors and lies, she won't have their games at every turn, or the oppressive interruptions to her academic day. While we cannot change the world, we can make a corner of it happier and safer while she works to put the pieces back together and have steady ground to stand on.
So while no one can snap their fingers and fix the injustice, and no one deserves to have their lives hijacked by the self-important unkindness of others, finding an advocate- one that is truly an advocate- can help you to survive and begin to put the pieces back together. The first one to present them self isn't always the right one, but keep trying. The future is worth it.
I think the dean meant well, but in the end, when the folks who were so unkind to my daughter pretended to change their ways and said they were looking after her, the dean believed them, and my daughter felt more alone. In the end, the teacher where she had felt safe made sure my daughter had a place she could go. And some very special youth circled around her and let her know she was theirs, no matter what those other people might say about her. It gave her the first safe place to begin to put the pieces back together, and to be reminded that she really did matter, not just those folks who were allowed to belittle and use profanity at others because they were somehow special and had their own set of rules and exceptions.
Not feeling like the person who had offered to act as her advocate was really genuine, made her retreat into the circle of the few places she felt safe. That made it take longer for her to stand up and fight for herself and claim her place where intellectually she knew she had a right to, but where other people had been able to use and abuse her.
Recently, we went in to meet with someone about her scheduling for school. I was perfectly honest, that I had given the year over to survival and getting her feet back under her. I wasn't happy with having to do so, but so many of the people, both in leadership at the extracurricular where it all had began and at the school where things had spilled into, had been too busy to follow through with things that while they would have made more work for my daughter and myself, would have given her a chance to be safe and still excel.
As we sat speaking with this nice woman who had been the only one trying to follow through, she apologized for how so many had dropped the ball and let the behaviors perpetuate. She had had her own child go through bullying, and understood my feeling that while my child needed to be held academically accountable for what she had done when she shut down, the classroom should be a safe place.
I am well aware that life isn't fair. We have lived that reality for some time. But what we need is a chance for her to work at getting her feet back under her, where she can be safe and work for what she wants. The woman we met with agreed with us. She helped advocate for my daughter to take placement exams to qualify for a different academic track with more advanced science courses. (She had a greater background in some science classes due to some outside experience). While my daughter would still see those youth, and their parents, and those people will likely continue to spread the rumors and lies, she won't have their games at every turn, or the oppressive interruptions to her academic day. While we cannot change the world, we can make a corner of it happier and safer while she works to put the pieces back together and have steady ground to stand on.
So while no one can snap their fingers and fix the injustice, and no one deserves to have their lives hijacked by the self-important unkindness of others, finding an advocate- one that is truly an advocate- can help you to survive and begin to put the pieces back together. The first one to present them self isn't always the right one, but keep trying. The future is worth it.
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Who said these guys were not cute!?!
So many serious posts, I had to share this fun one! And, next post to come is about finding and advocate, as opposed to finding just finding someone to exact revenge for you. Not that we couldn't always use a laugh!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Lessons Learned... Part Three
I began with something we did right, followed it with something of hindsight, so now I believe I should follow with a tip I learned along the way.
As a parent, I tried hard to be calm and help my child walk through the situation as long as she could, thinking as long as I was there and she said she could handle it, that I should let her learn to deal with people and learn to stand up for herself but comport herself with manners, like the person she wanted to be, and not run.
And yet, there I was, the day the sheriff called me to discuss the welfare of my child, feeling like the worst failure of a mama. I took the call from the sheriff about a call to the school where a friend of hers felt that she was at breaking point, and had gone to a teacher they both trusted, and the teacher had called in the sheriff. The sheriff called me as I left the doctor's office from a pre-op appointment with my aunt. I raced back to the school. After speaking with the sheriff, my daughter had unloaded everything to the school's dean.
Sitting with the dean, I fought the urge to pull the children, head home and lock the gates of the property. Discussing everything, the dean seemed to understand that what had happened outside of the school, the vicious bullying, had also bled over into at least one class at the school. I wanted her removed from the class, having tried repeatedly to address things with the teacher. The school felt things at the school could be handled with classroom management, and I could address the outside things. The dean reminded me to not fall apart in front of the children, and that perhaps my daughter needed to stick to her extracurriculars at the school, where they saw the value of the dedicated team player that she is.
I checked in with my daughter before leaving the school, she excused herself to get the water bottle she had left in my car and we talked a few minutes about being thankful for real friends who had her back, and she said she wanted to stay at the school for the day. I didn't know at that moment just how special those real friends were.
I left the school, and went straight to the office of the group that oversees the extracurricular which had been at the heart of this mess. This extracurricular had been a huge part of the lives of both my daughter and son, and even as the stress had built and we had dreaded the meetings for dealing with the gossiping bitties and increasing bully behavior, the children hadn't wanted to give it up. My son had wanted, as the worst of the attacks unfolded, for me to stop them from doing this to my daughter, but I couldn't make them stop, they had lied to enough people and tried to cover their tracks well enough that it would still be another couple weeks before I knew just how thickly the lies were layered. They really still are, to be honest. They went to so many people of a period of time, laying down allegations of lies to such an extent that so many believed them, despite the fact that they had never once looked into the truth of their allegations.
I didn't fully unload on the leadership I met with that day. I had been told by the bullies that they had believed the lies and signed off on sanctions against my daughter, and were told to be concerned about my son. I struggled to stay as calm as possible, trying to figure out whether I should press charges directly with the sheriff, just pull the children and run, or try to enable her to stand up, hold her head high and walk into the remaining meetings of the year, so she wasn't somehow admitting to anything untrue by running.
As I sat there at the table with these two leaders, they both listened. One had a daughter at one of the service academies, who had gone through bullying at the hands of an adult in a sport a few years back. He acknowledged my worry. He said she would come out of it better if she was part of the decision in what to do. They gave me a few options, and said they would be glad to sit with my daughter to talk things through to help her decide her direction.
I didn't feel any better, but I did try to work with that. I know all this isn't over and that there really isn't any closure, but I do know that I believe it helped her to make each decision with us, day by day. When she chose to walk into a meeting that following weekend, knowing they would stare at her, and point and gossip in whispers, her father, brother and I walked in there with her. The night before, she hadn't slept, and I had looked at my husband in the morning and asked when was the time to step in and stop it all. We each spoke with her, and she seemed adamant about going through with it, that she would not give them a chance to bad mouth her that day without seeing her stand up. So in we all walked, flanking her and standing there as a family. When they tried to be uncharacteristically nice, as fake as they were, we were nothing but mannerly, but when they wanted us to stand around and wait for them to do other things they wanted to show were more important, I did flatly state that we were not there to waste our day waiting for people who were not ready to do the work, if need be, we could do it for them and move on with our day.
Before we left, my daughter made sure to check in with the youth who were in their first year, trying to make sure they knew what to expect and let them know she would be there to help if they needed her. She offered a hug to one, after giving the family a scare- they had been unprepared for knowing what they needed to do. But they are really so sweet- we wouldn't want them to be caught off guard. Then, as my daughter turned and said her goodbyes, one of the people who had very carefully hurt her so deeply held out her arms for a hug. I was floored, but my daughter held strong and used her manners, not wanting to make a scene. She let the person have a hug, and we headed off the property.
I told her I was proud of her for holding together so well and maintaining her manners in the face of it. She said one day at a time, but she didn't want those people to take what was left away from her, or to let them be able to say she hadn't fulfilled even one of her commitments. And she didn't want thme to be able to do anything to her little brother.
So that is my tip for tonight. To keep talking them through it, and let them make the decisions of what they want to do for themselves, to help them to be completely informed, and make sure they know they are not alone. I have appreciated that advice, even as I often want to lock the gates of the property and make the mean people go away. It is all far from over, we will be dealing with this for some time. My daughter deserves a real apology, with an admission from those who did this to somehow help restore her reputation. We are certainly not holding our breath for it, but she does deserve it. But we have certainly not lost our reality check in all of this. We will continue to make decisions as a family, where each of the children can state for themselves what they need to do to move forward. I hope that little bit of advice helps someone else empower their child to persevere for themselves and what is right for them. I have certainly appreciated the reminder. I hope you never need the advice, but if you do, I think it has helped us a bit.
Hugs to you all, and a brighter future too.
As a parent, I tried hard to be calm and help my child walk through the situation as long as she could, thinking as long as I was there and she said she could handle it, that I should let her learn to deal with people and learn to stand up for herself but comport herself with manners, like the person she wanted to be, and not run.
And yet, there I was, the day the sheriff called me to discuss the welfare of my child, feeling like the worst failure of a mama. I took the call from the sheriff about a call to the school where a friend of hers felt that she was at breaking point, and had gone to a teacher they both trusted, and the teacher had called in the sheriff. The sheriff called me as I left the doctor's office from a pre-op appointment with my aunt. I raced back to the school. After speaking with the sheriff, my daughter had unloaded everything to the school's dean.
Sitting with the dean, I fought the urge to pull the children, head home and lock the gates of the property. Discussing everything, the dean seemed to understand that what had happened outside of the school, the vicious bullying, had also bled over into at least one class at the school. I wanted her removed from the class, having tried repeatedly to address things with the teacher. The school felt things at the school could be handled with classroom management, and I could address the outside things. The dean reminded me to not fall apart in front of the children, and that perhaps my daughter needed to stick to her extracurriculars at the school, where they saw the value of the dedicated team player that she is.
I checked in with my daughter before leaving the school, she excused herself to get the water bottle she had left in my car and we talked a few minutes about being thankful for real friends who had her back, and she said she wanted to stay at the school for the day. I didn't know at that moment just how special those real friends were.
I left the school, and went straight to the office of the group that oversees the extracurricular which had been at the heart of this mess. This extracurricular had been a huge part of the lives of both my daughter and son, and even as the stress had built and we had dreaded the meetings for dealing with the gossiping bitties and increasing bully behavior, the children hadn't wanted to give it up. My son had wanted, as the worst of the attacks unfolded, for me to stop them from doing this to my daughter, but I couldn't make them stop, they had lied to enough people and tried to cover their tracks well enough that it would still be another couple weeks before I knew just how thickly the lies were layered. They really still are, to be honest. They went to so many people of a period of time, laying down allegations of lies to such an extent that so many believed them, despite the fact that they had never once looked into the truth of their allegations.
I didn't fully unload on the leadership I met with that day. I had been told by the bullies that they had believed the lies and signed off on sanctions against my daughter, and were told to be concerned about my son. I struggled to stay as calm as possible, trying to figure out whether I should press charges directly with the sheriff, just pull the children and run, or try to enable her to stand up, hold her head high and walk into the remaining meetings of the year, so she wasn't somehow admitting to anything untrue by running.
As I sat there at the table with these two leaders, they both listened. One had a daughter at one of the service academies, who had gone through bullying at the hands of an adult in a sport a few years back. He acknowledged my worry. He said she would come out of it better if she was part of the decision in what to do. They gave me a few options, and said they would be glad to sit with my daughter to talk things through to help her decide her direction.
I didn't feel any better, but I did try to work with that. I know all this isn't over and that there really isn't any closure, but I do know that I believe it helped her to make each decision with us, day by day. When she chose to walk into a meeting that following weekend, knowing they would stare at her, and point and gossip in whispers, her father, brother and I walked in there with her. The night before, she hadn't slept, and I had looked at my husband in the morning and asked when was the time to step in and stop it all. We each spoke with her, and she seemed adamant about going through with it, that she would not give them a chance to bad mouth her that day without seeing her stand up. So in we all walked, flanking her and standing there as a family. When they tried to be uncharacteristically nice, as fake as they were, we were nothing but mannerly, but when they wanted us to stand around and wait for them to do other things they wanted to show were more important, I did flatly state that we were not there to waste our day waiting for people who were not ready to do the work, if need be, we could do it for them and move on with our day.
Before we left, my daughter made sure to check in with the youth who were in their first year, trying to make sure they knew what to expect and let them know she would be there to help if they needed her. She offered a hug to one, after giving the family a scare- they had been unprepared for knowing what they needed to do. But they are really so sweet- we wouldn't want them to be caught off guard. Then, as my daughter turned and said her goodbyes, one of the people who had very carefully hurt her so deeply held out her arms for a hug. I was floored, but my daughter held strong and used her manners, not wanting to make a scene. She let the person have a hug, and we headed off the property.
I told her I was proud of her for holding together so well and maintaining her manners in the face of it. She said one day at a time, but she didn't want those people to take what was left away from her, or to let them be able to say she hadn't fulfilled even one of her commitments. And she didn't want thme to be able to do anything to her little brother.
So that is my tip for tonight. To keep talking them through it, and let them make the decisions of what they want to do for themselves, to help them to be completely informed, and make sure they know they are not alone. I have appreciated that advice, even as I often want to lock the gates of the property and make the mean people go away. It is all far from over, we will be dealing with this for some time. My daughter deserves a real apology, with an admission from those who did this to somehow help restore her reputation. We are certainly not holding our breath for it, but she does deserve it. But we have certainly not lost our reality check in all of this. We will continue to make decisions as a family, where each of the children can state for themselves what they need to do to move forward. I hope that little bit of advice helps someone else empower their child to persevere for themselves and what is right for them. I have certainly appreciated the reminder. I hope you never need the advice, but if you do, I think it has helped us a bit.
Hugs to you all, and a brighter future too.
Sunday, May 6, 2012
Lessons Learned... Part Two
Tip Number Two, Be careful with whom you trust your child, even if you have had well placed trust in the individual previously.
This seems so obvious, like something we would all get right. And yet, when faced with vicious, vindictive folks who have no actual base for the lies they are telling in their gossip, otherwise well meaning people can fall prey to the mob mentality. Normally nice folks who are generally tireless volunteers and seem to have nothing but every one's best interest at heart, can be sucked into the bizarre vortex of the mob and sweep it along, giving validity to the bully ringleader.
As unkind as the statement may seem, and as much as I have often been accused of being overprotective in an extreme, it is when we let out guard down that the bullies see their chance, and they take it, often with great abandon. This was certainly true in our case, and looking back, I knew the tide was changing, but didn't want to believe those previously nice folks would be a part of it.
Around here, we have something called "The Wyatt List." My mother reminds me regularly that the lord doesn't taketh away unless he gives something else in return first. In our case, our younger child had a rough time with deployments and the endless TDY cycles that are the nature of a military family these days. For periods of time, sometimes long ones, Wyatt didn't speak. Then he needed speech therapy and has some processing issues.
But what Wyatt has in return is this innate ability to see whether adults should be trusted. Basically anyone other than his age. The Wyatt List represents a VERY short list of people who he trusts, and often in varying degrees. Being on the Wyatt list is an honor.(I know, the whole thing sounds odd, but if you qualify for the Wyatt list, you really had to earn it.) Sometimes he looks at me and says of someone, I really wanted to like her. She loves animals, but it doesn't feel right. Funny to watch him. And he may look at someone at say "I'm shy, I don't want to meet them."
Imagine my surprise earlier this year when I went to get Wyatt from Bailey at the robotics lab, only to find he was across the hall with her biology teacher walking through the room asked her every question he could think of about her displays. Shortly thereafter he spent over an hour helping Bailey catch her a tarantula. This person ended up interceding to help Bailey. I should have listened more deeply to her, too, though that is another story.
For the first time this year, I saw Wyatt remove people from the Wyatt List. Previously, the ringleaders of this, and their close friends were never on the list. He was known to hid under chairs, behind water coolers, whatever to get away from them and not have to speak to them or their children. When one of the people had been at our home under false pretenses, preparing to drive the largest nail into Bailey, Wyatt had initially tried to help me speak with her, I thought maybe it was going to be okay. When she left, he said, "That was weird. What did she really want?"
He had already removed some other folks from the list, ones who he had previously selected and given hugs to. Looking back, I really wish I had listened to him, and my intuition when their behavior seemed strange. Maybe I could have somehow protected her, stepped in sooner, or done something to have prevented things from getting quite so bad. You see, these people were the pillars of the community type. And yet, even as they said they were not part of what was done, they were spreading the gossip, snubbing our daughter and then asking for hugs from the cuddly sweet girl- very publicly, playing the hurt with her good manners. And standing back as part of the gossip ring so clearly that would turn their back on her as she walked into a meeting and faced the angry ringleader who said nothing kind.
And you could read on the ringleader's face and in her strange remarks when she was lying most and gossiping most viciously. And my blind feeling, having gone to those I previously had trusted, allowed them to help the ringleaders to continuously hurt my child more deeply.
So even if you feel that certain people have always been nice in the past, done right by children before, even done special things for your child, don't ignore warning signs that say you should withdraw your trust. And if you have to withdraw that trust, keep records of what is being done. But that is the topic of another post, this one is long enough! So be careful who you trust, and don't blindly continue to trust someone just because you have in the past and other folks continue to do so. Our parent intuition is there for a reason!
This seems so obvious, like something we would all get right. And yet, when faced with vicious, vindictive folks who have no actual base for the lies they are telling in their gossip, otherwise well meaning people can fall prey to the mob mentality. Normally nice folks who are generally tireless volunteers and seem to have nothing but every one's best interest at heart, can be sucked into the bizarre vortex of the mob and sweep it along, giving validity to the bully ringleader.
As unkind as the statement may seem, and as much as I have often been accused of being overprotective in an extreme, it is when we let out guard down that the bullies see their chance, and they take it, often with great abandon. This was certainly true in our case, and looking back, I knew the tide was changing, but didn't want to believe those previously nice folks would be a part of it.
Around here, we have something called "The Wyatt List." My mother reminds me regularly that the lord doesn't taketh away unless he gives something else in return first. In our case, our younger child had a rough time with deployments and the endless TDY cycles that are the nature of a military family these days. For periods of time, sometimes long ones, Wyatt didn't speak. Then he needed speech therapy and has some processing issues.
But what Wyatt has in return is this innate ability to see whether adults should be trusted. Basically anyone other than his age. The Wyatt List represents a VERY short list of people who he trusts, and often in varying degrees. Being on the Wyatt list is an honor.(I know, the whole thing sounds odd, but if you qualify for the Wyatt list, you really had to earn it.) Sometimes he looks at me and says of someone, I really wanted to like her. She loves animals, but it doesn't feel right. Funny to watch him. And he may look at someone at say "I'm shy, I don't want to meet them."
Imagine my surprise earlier this year when I went to get Wyatt from Bailey at the robotics lab, only to find he was across the hall with her biology teacher walking through the room asked her every question he could think of about her displays. Shortly thereafter he spent over an hour helping Bailey catch her a tarantula. This person ended up interceding to help Bailey. I should have listened more deeply to her, too, though that is another story.
For the first time this year, I saw Wyatt remove people from the Wyatt List. Previously, the ringleaders of this, and their close friends were never on the list. He was known to hid under chairs, behind water coolers, whatever to get away from them and not have to speak to them or their children. When one of the people had been at our home under false pretenses, preparing to drive the largest nail into Bailey, Wyatt had initially tried to help me speak with her, I thought maybe it was going to be okay. When she left, he said, "That was weird. What did she really want?"
He had already removed some other folks from the list, ones who he had previously selected and given hugs to. Looking back, I really wish I had listened to him, and my intuition when their behavior seemed strange. Maybe I could have somehow protected her, stepped in sooner, or done something to have prevented things from getting quite so bad. You see, these people were the pillars of the community type. And yet, even as they said they were not part of what was done, they were spreading the gossip, snubbing our daughter and then asking for hugs from the cuddly sweet girl- very publicly, playing the hurt with her good manners. And standing back as part of the gossip ring so clearly that would turn their back on her as she walked into a meeting and faced the angry ringleader who said nothing kind.
And you could read on the ringleader's face and in her strange remarks when she was lying most and gossiping most viciously. And my blind feeling, having gone to those I previously had trusted, allowed them to help the ringleaders to continuously hurt my child more deeply.
So even if you feel that certain people have always been nice in the past, done right by children before, even done special things for your child, don't ignore warning signs that say you should withdraw your trust. And if you have to withdraw that trust, keep records of what is being done. But that is the topic of another post, this one is long enough! So be careful who you trust, and don't blindly continue to trust someone just because you have in the past and other folks continue to do so. Our parent intuition is there for a reason!
Saturday, May 5, 2012
Lessons Learned... Part One
I began this blog several months ago, in the hopes of opening a dialog that would help my children cope with bullies, and share strategies with others where my children and others might have a few more tools to surviving life in a sometimes cruel world.
At the time, the bullies involved in pushing at the lives of my own children were gleaning help from adults and they were increasing in the frequency and intensity of their bullying activities. Over the course of this school year, things got really bad. I don't mean crying on the drive home from school bad, I mean vomiting, sleepwalking, not sleeping for weeks and then the adults finishing my child off so that we were just trying to get through the year and my child was promising she could handle it and the school called in the sheriff bad.
But there wasn't much the sheriff could do, unless I press charges. And the bullies' cyber activity had been very carefully deleted from the cyber places right before the final set of proverbial knives were thrown. So pressing charges would take significant work. But I still may, if it protects someone else.
Fortunately, my child had some great people in her life who closed ranks around her and have helped her through. I have set through numerous meetings with people in charge of the extracurricular activity these folks were a part of, and they helped a little, but not much beyond getting through the end of the year, and from the place where I look, I don't know if they have done anything to prevent this from happening to another youth. And I believe they would do it again, if given the chance. Maybe they are doing something, but they cannot tell me what it is. A real apology would be nice. And for something to correct the lies told where these folks worked to ruin my child's reputation.
So now, here I sit, with the family putting the pieces back together and trying to finish the school year strong. And I reflect on what I should have done before, what we did right to survive, what I ignored along the way to them hurting her so deeply, what I could share to help someone else walking in my shoes. So for the next several posts, I am going to try to share some of those things. I will go one at a time, so the posts aren't so long, and if you all have any tips to share, please do. While I moderate comments to keep things positive and avoid anyone personally attacking another, the more ideas and options, the more tools in the tool belt for parents and you.
Here is my first tip, something we did right: Don't let any one activity be all that your child is.
In other words, it is easy to get wrapped up in a favorite sport, like soccer, or activity like robotics or 4-H or the like. I am not, under any circumstances, saying that they should participate in a multitude of activities. We as parents must gently enforce a balance between, school, activities, and down time. But sometimes it is easy to let your child contine to expand further and furth in one activity, say multiple projects in 4H or multiple teams in one sport, and when the bullies show up, and start pushing things around, you are backed into living with those bullies or giving up that activity, becoming isolated from the friends there, and it gives those bullies WAY too much power.
While other folks made fun of us, told us we were holding our children back, my husband and I stood our ground at Football that our son could balance it with 4-H, and at 4-H that our children could play football, (basketball for our daughter, and this year she traded basketball for robotics and Science Olympiad.) In the end, it was the youth in one of those activities which closed ranks around our daughter and reminded her of what a great kid she was. When the bullies even went to that saving grace activity to hurt her reputation, and she teetered on the fence of falling apart again, one leader of that saving grace activity looked at her and said that they knew who she was for them, who she really was, and that was what mattered. Sometimes I wonder if that leader knew just how much that one statement meant.
This is getting harder than I had thought to be as nondescript asa possible about who her bullies were, but just don't worry about who they were. The important thing now is, what we learn from having gone through this. Having had my child's reputation publicly maligned by bullies, I have no desire to have folks pointing fingers here, just to learn and share strategies to survive and thrive as a community we can all be proud of. Anyhow, you get the idea. That variety of friendships and experiences helps your child learn who they really are, and whom they want to be in this world. So enough for now, I'll share another next time. Hold strong, hug tight, say I love you adnd mean it. Tlak to you soon.
At the time, the bullies involved in pushing at the lives of my own children were gleaning help from adults and they were increasing in the frequency and intensity of their bullying activities. Over the course of this school year, things got really bad. I don't mean crying on the drive home from school bad, I mean vomiting, sleepwalking, not sleeping for weeks and then the adults finishing my child off so that we were just trying to get through the year and my child was promising she could handle it and the school called in the sheriff bad.
But there wasn't much the sheriff could do, unless I press charges. And the bullies' cyber activity had been very carefully deleted from the cyber places right before the final set of proverbial knives were thrown. So pressing charges would take significant work. But I still may, if it protects someone else.
Fortunately, my child had some great people in her life who closed ranks around her and have helped her through. I have set through numerous meetings with people in charge of the extracurricular activity these folks were a part of, and they helped a little, but not much beyond getting through the end of the year, and from the place where I look, I don't know if they have done anything to prevent this from happening to another youth. And I believe they would do it again, if given the chance. Maybe they are doing something, but they cannot tell me what it is. A real apology would be nice. And for something to correct the lies told where these folks worked to ruin my child's reputation.
So now, here I sit, with the family putting the pieces back together and trying to finish the school year strong. And I reflect on what I should have done before, what we did right to survive, what I ignored along the way to them hurting her so deeply, what I could share to help someone else walking in my shoes. So for the next several posts, I am going to try to share some of those things. I will go one at a time, so the posts aren't so long, and if you all have any tips to share, please do. While I moderate comments to keep things positive and avoid anyone personally attacking another, the more ideas and options, the more tools in the tool belt for parents and you.
Here is my first tip, something we did right: Don't let any one activity be all that your child is.
In other words, it is easy to get wrapped up in a favorite sport, like soccer, or activity like robotics or 4-H or the like. I am not, under any circumstances, saying that they should participate in a multitude of activities. We as parents must gently enforce a balance between, school, activities, and down time. But sometimes it is easy to let your child contine to expand further and furth in one activity, say multiple projects in 4H or multiple teams in one sport, and when the bullies show up, and start pushing things around, you are backed into living with those bullies or giving up that activity, becoming isolated from the friends there, and it gives those bullies WAY too much power.
While other folks made fun of us, told us we were holding our children back, my husband and I stood our ground at Football that our son could balance it with 4-H, and at 4-H that our children could play football, (basketball for our daughter, and this year she traded basketball for robotics and Science Olympiad.) In the end, it was the youth in one of those activities which closed ranks around our daughter and reminded her of what a great kid she was. When the bullies even went to that saving grace activity to hurt her reputation, and she teetered on the fence of falling apart again, one leader of that saving grace activity looked at her and said that they knew who she was for them, who she really was, and that was what mattered. Sometimes I wonder if that leader knew just how much that one statement meant.
This is getting harder than I had thought to be as nondescript asa possible about who her bullies were, but just don't worry about who they were. The important thing now is, what we learn from having gone through this. Having had my child's reputation publicly maligned by bullies, I have no desire to have folks pointing fingers here, just to learn and share strategies to survive and thrive as a community we can all be proud of. Anyhow, you get the idea. That variety of friendships and experiences helps your child learn who they really are, and whom they want to be in this world. So enough for now, I'll share another next time. Hold strong, hug tight, say I love you adnd mean it. Tlak to you soon.
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